One Foot In Front of the Other

So...many of you may or may not know that as of about a month ago I began a journey. It all began as trip with a planned destination, filled with fanciful mental images of what it will be like when I one day arrive at said destination. But then I realized that this "glowing journey" is more like a grunt of a road trip down the back dirt roads in a convertible.

Yes, such would describe the "journey" I began in order to break through my weight loss plateau- ok who am I kidding- gain, and sculpt my body into something that it is bound and determined not to be after 3 pregnancies and years of lethargy.

Over the years, I have Tae-Boed, Power 90ed, Karated, Slim in Sixed, Booty Camped, Turbo-Jammed my body and yet I still have thighs that one of which is the size of most teenage girls' waists and a stomach that defines the phrase "this is how I roll." And yes, I can still hear my underarm flab slap up against my sides when I make sudden movements. Eww. Yes, I know.

That was when I didn't know Jack.

No seriously...Jack is the name of my trainer, now. And my fat is his sworn enemy...and I am so not kidding. Oddly enough, I am thankful for that- even though his inventions of torture have brought me to my knees before the porcelin god(once, ok once!)

Quitting is not an option with Jack. Pausing momentarliy, maybe, quitting- no. He quietly, yet firmly and confidently tells me where to start, where to finish each round, each set and tells me I can even when all of me is screaming "NO! FAT GIRL CANNOT!" And he even pretends not to be scared as I walk about with hair distrewn, red-faced, sweat pouring, mascara smeared from one ear to the other. He tolerates my hollering through that last set, quoting verses through that last round on the bag, and all the other crazy stuff I do. He just says, "Awesome!" And I believe him. Why? Because I know he has the knowledge I need. He's got the map. He is the GPS for my road trip to my body destination of heatth and fitness. He doesn't want me to quit the trip because he knows that the destination exists and I will be better and stronger for traveling there.

From where I stand right now, it really does seem improbable, yes, even impossible that what I see in the mirror could ever be even remotely close to arriving at that fanciful destination in my head. There are days when I have felt like I know I made the right turn, I know that I am traveling down the right road, but things just don't look the way I thought they would and I am confused and tired and frustrated. The road is rough, the car is sputtering, blubbering on its way.

I even stop and ponder turning around and heading home.

But then I remember I want to see this place I have never been before-I mean there have been times I thought I was there, but really, I had not taken a valid journey, I had not experienced the road trip. I tried short cuts that were quicker but that left me weak, weary and scarred...I had arrived at a mirage in the desert. I was not smarter, I was not stronger, I was not trained.

Smarter. Stronger. Experienced. Envigorated. Empowered. TRAINED.

Spiritual sculpting, spiritual growth is a lot like that.

The journey isn't separate from the arrival, the journey is the beginning of the arrival!(wow- I just re-read that...You go Holy Spirit!)

I have had many ideas about how to try to get where I know I need to go in my relationship with God, but I don't have the map. I have Beth Moored, Stormie O'Martianed, Women of Faithed, Through the Bible in a Yeared, Church Programmed, Church Attended, my spirit and yet, still had a flabby core. I didn't go to the One first who knew the exact road map that would bring about a fresh growth in my spirit, the GPS that would draw me closer to the Father.
He quietly and confidently tells me where to start and finish each day...tells me I can even when my spirit cries out, "No! No! No! I cannot!"
He tolerates my distrewn life, my red faced frustration, my sweat and tears pouring, the mess of my life smeared from one place to another.
He just says, "Awesome! Bring it all."
And I believe Him.
Why?
Matthew 11:30 (The Message)
28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

No more short cuts. I want to EXPERIENCE the journey with my Lord. I want to be trained, no matter what I look like right now...all that matters is I choose to begin the journey...because that's the first step toward arrival.

SO...I guess I have begun to arrive at a skinnier, more sculpted, but most importantly healthier self. At least the vague definition in my biceps and shoulders are telling me so...along with the soreness in my hamstrings.

As for my spirit, definitely could use a weight gain there- always- and praying that the fat chubby flesh is starved a little more every day.
"He must increase, I must decrease." John 3:30.
Good motto for body and spirit, I say.

I know for sure the Holy Spirit's got my back...and now...as for the physical part...
...well, now I know Jack.

The Most

Having a parent that travels a good bit can be disheartening for a kid, but, as some of you may know from first hand experience, it can also have its perks. For instance, when my dad went to the Southern Baptist convention in Texas when I was 8, I ended up getting my ears pierced 5 years earlier than my sister because I was so "distraught" over his leaving(insert evil, manipulative laugh here....sorry Shay.) Though no where near as fantastic as my earring victory, yet still excitedly received, "surprises" from parental travel are one of those things kids just love, and I suppose, to some degree, help them get through that time of physical separation. As a parent myself, I now realize what a true delight it is to choose and give these prizes to my little ones.

While Jarrett and I were recently at a Youth Minister's conference, I called on a lunch break to check on the kids and also to get a hint of what type of prize they might would like. I happened to call as my mom was getting the kids out of school early, so they were in the school office going through dismissal procedures. My oldest, Alex(now 10!), was handed the phone first and I asked him if he would like for me to bring him a surprise. The reply was of course, yes, but, realizing that he was in the office with others' ears available to hear, he was aloof and rather unengaged in the rest of the conversation. I asked him what specifically he would like, such as a stuffed animal? a football? He responded only with a "Yes, yes, uh-huh, ok" and a few unspoken "whatever, Mama" 's. Needless to say, he was none too slow in handing the phone off to Jonathan.
After our hellos, I asked Jonathan the same question, "Do you want Mama to bring you a surprise?" His response was a genuine gasp and ,"Really? Yes!" I proceeded to ask him what exactly did he think he might want, but only got, "Ummmm..." after asking several times. I probed a final time for an answer waiting anxiously to hear in the noisy mall standing near Chic-Fil-A, cell phone to one ear, with the other ear plugged, "Jonathan, what do you think you might like for Mama to bring you?"

"Well", he stretched out, "You, the most."

My heart flipped, danced and jumped in my throat all at once as I stuttered through welling tears to make sure I had heard correctly, "Wha-what did you say buddy?"
"You, the most, Mama." he replied.

I am crying even now as I write this, yes because of the precious gift of a "Mama Moment" that Jonathan gave me, but more than that, because I caught a glimpse into my Father's heart.
The Holy Spirit whispered instantly into my spirit that day and said, "That's it. THAT is what I want to hear my children say more than anything else: I want You the MOST, Daddy. I love to give you gifts, pour out my blessings- I made you to want those things, I am the Creator of desire. So go ahead and have hopes and dreams and wants...but just want ME the MOST."

A statement by a 7 year old little boy had not only taken me to my knees as a Mama, but also to my knees as a child of God.

I realize that there is so much more to the Giver than any gift, any provision I could ever want from Him. So I just want to live my life wanting Him first, wanting Him most- no matter who is listening, no matter who is watching- I am going to tell Him as loud as I can with my voice, with my life, as many times as He wants to hear it, "Daddy, I want YOU the MOST!"

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And this is what we are!"

1 John 3:1

The Ultimate Boo-Boo Kisser

Today I am physically hurting and emotionally drained from thinking about the fact that I am in pain, want it to be gone, and that it is keeping me from doing all that needs to be done. The physical pain paves the way for the guilt to drive right in for the emotional blow.

ugh.
ok... deep breath.

I have ulcerative colitis, which put me in the hospital almost exactly a year ago, but I have been fairly "flare up" free since then. Over the past few days however I have been dealing with the pain again. Fun.

As my mama reminded me this morning, it's true I have a tendency to pull away when I am experienceing any type of pain. I kind of go inside myself. I mean, it is MY pain, so I think I should be the one to have to deal with it- not everybody else. And it is easier for me to deal with it without everybody watching, you know?

I just don't like that kind of attention- the pity, I suppose. I guess part of me want others to simply acknowledge that they understand I am in pain, but I then have a hard time allowing anyone to help me through it.


For example....

When I was a little girl I would often keep my boo-boos to myself. I would go hide, or go to my mom in secret about whatever had happened.


As Mama reminded me today, "When you hurt, you hide."


And sometimes I hide right out in the open.


This one time in particular, when I was in the second grade(7 years old), I hurt my finger(I can't remember exactly what I did, but it was definitely finger related).

My mama did the mama thing and expressed her sympathy for my boo-boo, and knowing how I felt about her overreacting to my pain, went about things as if nothing had happened.

But this time, apparently, I needed more.

Thinking back to the situation, Mama said, "That time you finally decided you'd had enough of the pain, but you didn't know how to tell me."


I wanted to come out of hiding but wasn't sure how to do it.


So, I wrote her a letter.
She kept the letter...

Outside of the envelope(yes, I put it in an envelope):
To mama
From Julie.
Don't let anyone else see this.


The note:
Dear Mama,
My finger has been hurting all day. I wish you would take me to the doctor.
It hurts badly.
Sometimes you know I'm kidding, but this time I'm not.
I mean it. When I touch it, it hurts.
Please!!!!!!!!!!(big fat colored in exclamation points)
Love, Julie P.
(good thing I put the "P", right? or she might've gotten me confused with that other Julie hangin' around! Knowing my mama, anything is possible, though...)
P.S.
Don't say anything to me about this unless you take me.



I remember writing that letter.
I remember distinctly my heart beating fast when I left it for Mama to find it.
I remember thinking that I wasn't sure what to say the next time I saw her, knowing she had read it...

...but I don't ever remember wondering if she would act on my behalf.

I knew she would do what was best for me- doctor or no doctor-whatever needed to be done to comfort me in my pain, to bring healing to the hurt, I knew she would do that...even if I didn't know exactly what that would look like or mean for me.
I just trusted.

That is who she was.
That is who she is.
That is who my Jesus is.


But I had to go to her. She knew my pain, she knew I was hurting.
But I had to ALLOW her to help me.
I had to willingly receive what she had to give...
...even if it meant me being a little uncomfortable.
...even if I did not understand the process.


I remember the relief when she came to me and said, "Julie, let's take a look at your finger. I don't think I saw it closely enough earlier..."
She never brought shame to the situation for my hiding, she never laughed at my fear of admitting I couldn't do it on my own.

She simply spoke to my need.

And that is what Jesus wants to do...speak to my need...to your need.
But we have to stop hiding right out in the open.

Trusting Him is not being weak, it is knowing where to find the purest strength.
"Therefore, do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
2 Corinthians 4:16

Your Heavenly Father can bring victory over the source of your pain, even in the middle of the hurt...if we stop hiding.
It's time to cry out "PLEASE!!!!!"- big fat exclamation marks and all!
Instead of drawing into myself, I need to draw near to Him...
...the Ultimate Boo-boo Kisser.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord.

I wait for God my Savior;

My God will hear me."

Micah 7:7

P.S.
Don't say anything to me about this..........................................................just kidding!
Really. I'm over that......ok, ok........well mostly, anyway. ;)

Calling All Perfectionist Control Freaks

At the risk of sounding like Captain Obvious…it’s been a long time since I have blogged.
Not because I haven’t written, mind you, but simply because I have not posted the many things I have written. You see, I have a format in the nice, neat little world of my mind that I like to follow when writing my devotions or blogs and I put a lot of pressure on myself to adhere to that standard. There are times I lie in bed and write in my mind…I even go back and make corrections on the rough draft in my head until it’s just like I want it.
But I have come to realize that sometimes, God just wants me to write my insides out.
He doesn’t care how pretty it does or doesn’t look or whether it looks like the last thing He asked me to write or not….He simply desires for me to say YES to what He is asking me to do. To genuinely pour out what He pours in.
For all you other control freaks out there…you know what I am talking about.
We want to have everything labeled, sorted, grouped, filed away before we get before God or take an issue to Him. We even like to take in a typed, double spaced report of our well meaning attempts to rectify the situation at hand. We work ourselves to the bone to “handle” it all so that we don’t have to bother God with it in the first place.
The problem is that this desire for perfection ends up weeding God out of it all because we are so busy trying to achieve that perfection BEFORE we willingly and wholly place ourselves in His presence.
Here’s the irony: achieving anything even close to perfection outside of His presence and power is IMPOSSIBLE…so the reality is, we’re just setting ourselves up for further failure- the very thing we are killing ourselves to try to avoid!
Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners Christ died for us.”
Still sinners…STILL SINNERS. He loved me BEFORE I even knew how to love Him. He loved me BEFORE I even knew I needed to love Him. He loved me BEFORE. Before I was cleaned up at all…He loved me in my mess in order to make a way for me to receive- not achieve- His perfection, His righteousness, His holiness.
“You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.”(Romans 5:6)
His free grace is yours and mine in spite of who we are. He sees us and knows us fully…imperfections and all. He isn’t afraid to look at your junk. He saw it in its fullness and STILL sent His Son to die on the cross in spite of it!
Focusing on how to fix what is wrong, rather than on the only ONE who can make it right, is paralyzing. Trying to do it in our own power is doing it with no TRUE power at all…and that is certainly destined for failure. We "were powerless", not "are powerless" according to verse six. We can have the perfecting power of the Holy Spirit right NOW...completely available to us when we make ourselves completley available.
Go ahead, face your junk…surrender.
Control’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
Perfection is an elusive ideal.
And Jesus…well, He even loves and sees hope for the weirdo that writes herself to sleep and uses the backspace key over and over again in her head.

Ears to Hear

Tonight as I rocked my sweet little girl, I fought the urge to turn on the TV and both of us vegg into sleepytown. Instead, I snuggled her close, face to face with her blankie to her nose and her thumb in her mouth(yes, she still sucks her thumb!). Ever since she figured out that she could conversate, Caroline has loved to lay down with me and say, "Mommy, yet's tawk." In a house where we are outnumbered by males, we once again gladly cuddled close for some girl talk. After she so kindly informed me that my breath was stinky, I turned my head slightly to give her nose some relief and began talking with her about various things. I love to watch her eyes as she talks and see all the wonder that flies through the mind of a five year old with regard to what many would consider to be the most mundane of subjects.
As I squeezed her tight and told her I loved her so, so, so, so, so, so much(this is her favorite thing to say and write to me as of late), I said,"Caroline, do you know who loves you the most? Do you know who loves you even more than Mommy?" She looked at me, a bit confused that I had asked a question with such and obvious answer and said, "Yes! God!".
Determined to make our "tawk" productive and have a teachable moment, I quickly said, "Yep, you're right...but do you know why?"
She looked at me rather unimpressed, cutting her eyes in my direction and said with her facial expression alone, "Nope, but I am sure you're gonna tell me." So being a mother who hates to disappoint, I proceeded , "Because He made you. He created you. He put every piece and part of you together so you would be just the way you are."
I had finally sparked her interest. Caroline thought for a moment and then said, "Which part did He put together first?...was it my eyes?" Chuckling at the unexpected but poignant question, I said that I did not know and instead asked her what she thought.
Without hesitation she gave her final answer, "My ears."
"Why?" I asked, thinking ahead to the wisest possible answer and explanation I could give her once she finished what she had to say.
She looked at me with those big brown eyes, momentarily stopped sucking her thumb and said with full assurance,
"Because He wants me to hear and to listen to what He has to say."
As Caroline snuggled back into my chest and closed her eyes to go to sleep, it was as if she had merely repeated and then rested in a fact that she had always known...a fact she was created to know. And I sat in a stunned silence in that moment I had deemed "teachable"...a moment that a mommy had intended to turn into a teachable moment for her little girl, but what was actually a moment that the Father intended to be a teachable moment for His little girl...me.
Thank you Abba. I hear You loud and clear. Lesson learned.

“Come let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before our Maker;
for He is our God and we are the people of
His pasture, the flock under His care.
Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts…”
Psalm 95:6-8

“Does He who implanted the ear not hear?
Does He who formed the eye not see?...
For the Lord will not reject His people; He will never forsake His inheritance.”
Psalm 94: 9, 14

Yep, you got it…no...wait…right a little…

It often amazes me how kids can go through life oblivious to the obvious. And, how things that I find so very important and in need of immediate attention are the very things that do not rate a second glance on the child priority list. For instance, exactly how many times can one mother say in a 2 minute time period, "Brush your teeth, please.”? I would be willing to take on anyone in such a contest- I am sure I hold the record! The very things they need to do are the things they do not want to take time to do. So I nudge them along, sometimes with more muscle than others, hoping they will allow me to teach them and equip them along the way.

Just before we were going into the sanctuary at our church the other day, I looked at my daughter, who was already rather disheveled after a full day of five-year-old play, and saw she had one big speck of glitter just below her eye. Now this immediately stuck out to me, and wanting to get it off before it got in her eye, I called her to me in order to swiftly and assuredly get the job done. I calmly asked her to come to me, to which she replied, "Why?". Not too thrilled with the question, but understanding she was simply curious, I clued her in to the glitter speck resting just below her left eye and told her I would remove it for her. Surprisingly, she again did not come! Instead, she took her hand and frantically ran it all over her face trying to remove the glitter. After her first failed attempt, she became more determined to do it on her own...this time taking two hands and rubbing them over every spot on that precious little face of hers. But when she finally dropped her hands to her side, there it was...that speck of silver-blue glitter holding tight to her now reddened little face. "Now is it gone?" she asked me- rather exasperated that I had pointed the nuisance out to begin with. "Nope. Still there..." , I replied, waiting patiently for her to finish putting forth her own futile efforts, "...just come over here and let me do it for you! I can see exactly where it is!" She finally conceded and in a matter of seconds she was free to roam and play in her glitter free world!

Oh, how similarly impatient and stubborn I am in my spiritual walk with the Lord! I get so flooded in my own perceived priorities that I refuse to stop when the Lord sees something sitting in the way! Caught in my own routine and minimal expectations, I wear myself out trying to remove what isn't supposed to be there. But Jesus says, “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) All too often I deplete my energy by doing something through my own efforts rather than letting go and letting the Lord work in the mightiness of His strength and power: “… ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.” !(Zechariah 4:6) With such ease and perfection, my heavenly Father can not only recognize my need, but also fulfill it like nothing else ever could! The Lord doesn't just want to show us our needs; He wants to meet us at the point of our need: “The Lord will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.(Isaiah 58:11)
It takes my faith and trust, however, to allow Him work in the very area that He has lovingly and graciously highlighted as a part of my flesh that needs His touch! His Word says to, “…trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn…”(Psalm 37:5-6) It isn't enough for me to just know that I have the need, or just know what needs to be done...I have to, in faith and trust, let go, get my hands out of it and present it to God so that He can allow the fullness of His truth to get the job done :
“As for God His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord is flawless, He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him…It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.”(Psalm 18: 30, 32)
Not only will I find that He is exactly what I need Him to be, but I will also find that I am far less winded and red faced in the end if I will let go from the very beginning- choosing His perfection instead of my pathetic pride-filled pursuits!

The choice seems obvious, but too often we choose to remain oblivious, just like my little girl.
What lengths does God have to go to get your attention?
He desires your priorities to be His...all for your sake.
Will you take the time...take the time to give up?
Allow His hand to touch the face of your need.

“And My God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19

Blah Blah Blah...You still there?

I have found that I like to talk a lot more than I like to listen. How many times have I been talking on the cell phone only to realize when it rings in my ear that the call had been dropped five plus minutes ago...yet I've been talking away!?! Even sometimes when I claim to be listening, in reality, I am just talking in my head to myself about whatever it is I am really supposed to be listening to or about what it is I wish I were hearing. Yes, guys, you get the bad wrap about not listening- but you're not the only ones...
So why all my chatter? Well, in some weird way it is comforting. If I am talking, I somehow think I am in control...there seems to be more vulnerability in listening. As I have been diving into a study about hearing God speak, He started it all for me with one simple verse-
John 10:27, "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me."
So as I drove home tonight in the clearing thickness of a stormy night, my headlights briefly lit a pasture's edge, and I thought about how much more there was that I could not see. I began to think about what it must be like to stand out there in the middle of night, simply in the middle of darkness. The Lord brought back to me the depth of His truth from that scripture. You see, Palestinian shepherds led their sheep- they did not drive them. The sheep followed because they knew their own shepherd's voice. But think about what it would be like to stand outside in the middle of that darkness and storm and have to be quiet to listen for the voice of the Shepherd. "Be still and know that I am God"(Psalm 46:10)-that seems more difficult and impractical when surrounded by the dark and unknown...but my incessant calling would only drown out the very Voice of direction and protection that is longing to draw me nearer! I only need to call out once because His ears are already intent on me. He knows me. But I can only be led if my ears are intent on Him. The "knowing God", like in Psalm 46:10, is walked out by being still because you expect to hear His voice. John 10:14 says, "...I know my sheep, and my sheep know me." It is a deep mutual knowledge. The Lord doesn't just want to know me, He wants me to know Him...to have a deep knowledge of Him...to know the rises and falls in the sound of His voice...to recognize the subtle inflections...to not have to introduce himself each time He calls...to be waited on expectantly...all because I know Him. My Shepherd wants to impart that deep knowledge to me! Each moment I spend with Him, it is His desire and His delight because He knows that I will then, "...never follow a stranger..." because I, "...do not recognize a stranger's voice."(John 10:4) The Lord wants me to understand that I am vulnerable because I stop listening, not because I stop to listen.
I don't think I am in danger of running out of words to say anytime soon....I can always think of something to talk about! BUT... the Lord is teaching me to find comfort in the silence of knowing rather than in the noise of my redundant cries.